Memorial Day = Bikini Season?

So memorial day marks the unofficial beginning of summer. Covers come off of grills (yummy!), covers come off of pools, and cover-ups come off of millions of bikini-clad ladies world wide.

Will I be joining this endless barrage of women choosing to bear all (well most) for the public this summer?

Short answer: No.

At least not yet. While I, and I am sure many of you have all seen people frolicking on the beach or in the pool in a suit clearly too small for them, I refuse to be that person. I probably have nothing to worry about, but I am just not comfortable with the way I look in a bikini to choose to wear that out in public.

That's not to say that I will not be wearing a suit at all. Last year I didn't, I was so embarrassed I basically avoided any situation that would require me to wear a suit... This year I will stick to my trusty tankini, at least for now. As a confidence boosting exercise.

I am already leaps and bounds more confident about my body and the way I look, but there is nothing like feeling naked (unzipped) in front of strangers to make you want to shape up. Maybe I messed up last week, maybe I didn't (The scale read 151 this morning, which is technically the last day of the month, so maybe I did get an entire month with no gain, also 151 marks 20lbs down since January, but I'll wait until an official weigh-in to report all that) but I'm ready to kick this into high gear.

Maybe I will dawn my bikini in public this year after all.

P.S. I just wanted to thank Trisha for awarding the "Adorable Blogger Award" and Headspace for the "Stylish Blogger Award". I will have to make a post about them later!

Moving On

Still working on recovering from my 1.8lb gain over the weekend. I know I have been eating right and exercising (well I could be doing more but the weather is just so gross out side). I was pretty positive about the scale reading, not so positive about it being a gain, but positive about getting back on track, because I was able to reduce my vacation gain from 5+ lbs to less then 2 lbs. So that is good - and a goal for the future would be to reduce any gain on a vacation to 0lbs.

Ever since my friction-ful thighs rubbed a hole in my favorite pair of jeans I have been on a dress and leggings kick. Never mind me rubbing a hole in the thigh of my leggings the other day. At least leggings are inexpensive.... But anyways I used some gift money I had left over from x-mas to order some shiny new clothes. Cute little t-shirt dresses. I love how comfortable they are, but they still look a bit fancy and yet effortless. 

I was really excited to pull them out and toss them on. I foresee them getting a lot of wear this season. NSV: That grey dress is a MEDIUM!!!! I can't believe I fit in a medium. Granted the black dress is still a large but it feels great to feel like I'm getting back to a normal size.

I also am loving the fact that my knees are hurting less and I can wear all my cute heels to work again. The past year has been haunted with loafers, and ugg boots.I can't wait to keep on going because the more weight I lose the more I enjoy dressing up and looking nice. People have started to notice too!

I'm super excited for monday, more so then most other weigh-ins I have had in the past 159 here I come! I can't wait to visit, but please know 159 that I fully intend to leave you in the dust for a number that is more supportive. (In case you didn't know 159 is the lowest weight I have been in at least 5 years, and that dreaded number I can't seem to bust through).

Have a great weekend everyone!

Skinny Jeans!

So I have been pretty convinced I was going to lose a massive amount of weight for over a couple of years now and as such I have purposefully not bought myself jeans. Since they are expensive and I *expect* to be too small to wear them any time now.

Well ever since I busted through my only pair of jeans I have purposefully avoided wearing pants. I have worn skirts, dresses and leggings for the past week and a half. It has been one of the most comfortable weeks I have ever had! But all good things must come to an end and today I finally ran out of clean clothes.

I have been feeling pretty "skinny" this week so rather then rewearing something dirty I decided to dig into the deep abscess of my closet and excavate a pair of skinny jeans I stowed away many moons ago. I bought these jeans over a year ago as a reward for breaking into the 150s (I was 159.6!). They were a pair of fairly pricy designer jeans (I already told you all about my fashion addiction) cut skinny all the way down the leg.

I wore them happily for a few months before holiday eating and general lack of resolve helped me balloon back up to my original 170 weight. My body seems pretty comfy at 170, I would prefer that number to be around 140 honestly... I tried to wear the jeans a few times at 170, but it was always a battle to put them on in the morning and they ALWAYS cut into my tummy. I could hear the jeans crying out in pain every time I sat down. When a co-worker commented on how they were surprised I wasn't cutting off my circulation by wearing the jeans (how rude is that?!?!) I locked them away in my closet to rot.

But like I mentioned, with a lack of clean pants-less outfits and destroyed "comfy" jeans I dug into my closet to rescue the dreaded "skinny jeans". Mostly as a test, to see how well I was really doing and to my surprise THEY FIT. They fit perfectly, not too snug (well maybe a tad in the thigh but I can't name one piece of clothing other then sweatpants that aren't). I'd have to call this a NSV (Non Scale Victory). I'm excited to fit my skinny jeans from over a year ago, and excited to wear my normal wardrobe again.

Hopefully I will be too skinny for these jeans before I wear a hole in them to. Getting excited for my monday weigh-in. Hope it concurs with my skinny jeans.

Hate-Loss 2011

Last official week of 2011 Hate-Loss challenge. Despite this being the last week of the challenge, it won't be my last week participating. While doing this challenge I forced myself to confront the things I try to hide in the closet and it helped me discover things about myself which got me to this point in life. I need to continue to peruse these things to help me down the road to self-discovery and self-recovery.

 I wanted this week to be a doozie, and in many ways it is.

I love shopping, I adore fashion and new clothes, shoes, purses and makeup. I love it all, I have a sizable shoe collection, an entire drawer in my dresser filled with makeup, and a walk in closet filled with clothes. Whenever I have some extra cash at the end of the month I inevitably spend it on a new piece to add to my collection. Fashion is something I really enjoy. In fact the event that sparked this blog and this journey happened in a shoe store! You can read about that story here: The Beginning.

When I was at my highest weight, like a year and a half ago, I really stopped caring about how I looked. I would wear mostly baggy and loose clothing because I thought it hid my weight. It didn't... sometimes when I found a particularly awesome item I would buy it and hide it in my closet and not wear it until I was "worthy" of it. Imagine not feeling worthy enough to wear a pair of shoes.

As I started losing weight, and went from 185 to around where I am now (I have been hovering around 170 for like a year now). As the weight came off I started to care more about how I looked. I tossed out a lot of my loose baggy clothes and dressed nicer. I started to break into my stash of "not worthy" clothes. So I guess I am starting to feel worthy! Last week I rewarded myself (for no real reason other then because I was feeling down) with a pair of over-the-knee boots that I bought for myself last Christmas. Amazingly I was able to find a pair that fit my legs - How could I pass that up?

My co-worker/friend always goes out of her way to comment on my outfits, asking where I got them or if they are newt. The other day while I was strutting around in my new boots she told me "I love those boots. You always wear such nice things, you are so fashionable. I want to be more like you." I was floored by her comment, why would she (a 5'1" 100lb young lady) want to be like me?

But I stepped back and thought about it and I am pretty fashionable. When I take the time to dress nicely, and care about how I look, it makes me feel pretty, beautiful, and cute and that makes me feel confident. And who doesn't want to be beautiful and confident?

I don't know why it is that I keep things like clothes and shoes from myself. Especially when I know that when I put on a nice pair of heels, or a cute outfit it makes me feel amazing. So I broke into my closet and pulled out a few items that I have been keeping from myself. I put together some awesome outfits and had my own little fashion show and I am worthy - of it all.

I might even go as far as to say I look sexy, sensational and maybe even wicked-hot. I need to go out for a ladies night or something so I can utilize these outfits. My arms are starting to look better too! I am however sad to report that the jean skirt in the last outfit is too big for me now! I was too scared to wear it and now it doesn't really fit - What a waste! Guess I know what I need to buy next.

I'm really glad I decided to participate in this challenge. It has really helped me open my eyes to the effects being positive can have on your entire perspective. It makes me excited for the future.