Hate-Loss 2011

Last official week of 2011 Hate-Loss challenge. Despite this being the last week of the challenge, it won't be my last week participating. While doing this challenge I forced myself to confront the things I try to hide in the closet and it helped me discover things about myself which got me to this point in life. I need to continue to peruse these things to help me down the road to self-discovery and self-recovery.

 I wanted this week to be a doozie, and in many ways it is.

I love shopping, I adore fashion and new clothes, shoes, purses and makeup. I love it all, I have a sizable shoe collection, an entire drawer in my dresser filled with makeup, and a walk in closet filled with clothes. Whenever I have some extra cash at the end of the month I inevitably spend it on a new piece to add to my collection. Fashion is something I really enjoy. In fact the event that sparked this blog and this journey happened in a shoe store! You can read about that story here: The Beginning.

When I was at my highest weight, like a year and a half ago, I really stopped caring about how I looked. I would wear mostly baggy and loose clothing because I thought it hid my weight. It didn't... sometimes when I found a particularly awesome item I would buy it and hide it in my closet and not wear it until I was "worthy" of it. Imagine not feeling worthy enough to wear a pair of shoes.

As I started losing weight, and went from 185 to around where I am now (I have been hovering around 170 for like a year now). As the weight came off I started to care more about how I looked. I tossed out a lot of my loose baggy clothes and dressed nicer. I started to break into my stash of "not worthy" clothes. So I guess I am starting to feel worthy! Last week I rewarded myself (for no real reason other then because I was feeling down) with a pair of over-the-knee boots that I bought for myself last Christmas. Amazingly I was able to find a pair that fit my legs - How could I pass that up?

My co-worker/friend always goes out of her way to comment on my outfits, asking where I got them or if they are newt. The other day while I was strutting around in my new boots she told me "I love those boots. You always wear such nice things, you are so fashionable. I want to be more like you." I was floored by her comment, why would she (a 5'1" 100lb young lady) want to be like me?

But I stepped back and thought about it and I am pretty fashionable. When I take the time to dress nicely, and care about how I look, it makes me feel pretty, beautiful, and cute and that makes me feel confident. And who doesn't want to be beautiful and confident?

I don't know why it is that I keep things like clothes and shoes from myself. Especially when I know that when I put on a nice pair of heels, or a cute outfit it makes me feel amazing. So I broke into my closet and pulled out a few items that I have been keeping from myself. I put together some awesome outfits and had my own little fashion show and I am worthy - of it all.

I might even go as far as to say I look sexy, sensational and maybe even wicked-hot. I need to go out for a ladies night or something so I can utilize these outfits. My arms are starting to look better too! I am however sad to report that the jean skirt in the last outfit is too big for me now! I was too scared to wear it and now it doesn't really fit - What a waste! Guess I know what I need to buy next.

I'm really glad I decided to participate in this challenge. It has really helped me open my eyes to the effects being positive can have on your entire perspective. It makes me excited for the future.

Hate-Loss 2011

Week two for me, and I must say this was a very difficult week. I set my weigh-ins up for Monday so that I could start my week off right, see some progress and be happy with myself. However this Monday, (the Monday following a 4 day vacation) I weighed in 5lbs heavier then the week previous. I still can't believe that, and counter productively it set the undertones for my whole week thus far.



Of course my first thoughts when I saw a +5 gain were that I was a failure, useless, lazy ect. But when I sat down and thought about what I did that week, I ate right and even found time to exercise while I was on vacation. It's too bad the scale didn't weigh in the same way I thought it should have, but when it comes down to it I made the right decisions even when people may not have been very supportive and that takes strength, determination and hard-work.

Despite my set back this past week I did notice that instead of saying "forget it" and giving up, or burying my failure in a pile of sweets, after weighing in, I was disappointed but, I walked right down stairs and made myself a healthy breakfast, and continued on my plan for the rest of the day. I had a bad week but I didn't ruin anything that I can't fix.

So I have decided this is my "fixer" week. A chance to fix things that were going wrong and refocus myself. I sat and thought about my goals then, I really attacked myself with compliments in the mirror to encourage myself to keep on trucking. I had a smile from ear to ear when I called myself cute, perky, and athletic. You should try it in the morning, it's amazing how great your mood can be when you start your day off with some encouragement.

And just to keep things positive, last week I talked about a bout I had where I tried to lose weight in a not-so-healthy way. Well here are some pictures I took of that time, it was more than a year ago now and it's not surprising that I look like that first picture again (possibly worse?).

But since I'm feeling strong, determined, hard-working, cute, perky, and athletic this week I am challenging myself to beat these results by doing it the right way, the healthy way. It's only 10 lbs but I like how my body I looked in the October pics. 10lbs in 41 days?  I lost 5lbs my first week, if that means anything it means I CAN DO IT so here we go.

BTW when I go for a jog to get myself to focus I normally pick a phrase and continue to chant it in my head. Normally I stick with "just keep moving" or a simple "1-2-3-4" but this week I tried phrases like "you are worth it"  and "you can do it" and let me tell you. I feel like I can do it because I know I am worth it.

Lets Talk About Goals

In light of recent events (see Weigh In 1/17/11) I think it is important for me to re-focus myself. I have been pretty vague about stating my goals during this blog. I know there are people out there with a lot more weight to lose then me, but when it comes down to it I just want to love myself again and I am willing to do whatever it is to get back to that point.

So heres a story:

I was fairly thin around my senior prom in high school, probably around 150lb looking at my pictures. Even at this weight I was fairly self conscious and was always considered chubby by my friends and family. "A minute on the lips and lifetime on the hips" my dad would taunt as I partook in dessert and sweets. My mom was also very keen to point out my weight whenever she noticed a change. "You are starting to look fat" she would warn. I don't harbor any anger or hate towards my parents for this, but when I sit back and think about it, it was cruel of them considering they never really took any interest in healthy eating, or teaching it to me.

People always talk about "the freshmen 15" or the iconic 15 lbs most people gain during college. I was a commuter student so I didn't participate in binge drinking or most of the poor eating habits of a college student away from home. Instead I adopted a life of a college student on the go, and I'm pretty sure my entire diet during college consisted of fast food. Not surprisingly over the course of 4 years my weight exploded from around 150lb to somewhere around 190lbs. I never really noticed I was gaining so horribly until I could no longer shop in the usual stores. A size 12 didn't fit me any more, I resolved myself to buying size 14 - 18 jeans in Macy's to avoid shopping in a plus size store which I clearly needed.

The pictures from my college graduation saddened me. The robes are notoriously unflattering ,but I couldn't even recognize myself in my pictures. Who was this girl? I resolved myself to losing weight by any means necessary. I couldn't go on being this person. I adopted unhealthy habits, which I am not proud of, to get the weight off. Starving myself, exercising for hours on end, binge eating and diet pills seemed like the only answer. The thing is that since everything was so extreme and unhealthy I was never able to stick with it.

I have been very focused the past year and a half on losing weight, to get back to at least my high school weight just to feel like myself again. The issue is I haven't been doing it the right way. I keep relapsing back into my old habits of starving myself for a week, and binging on food, or spending hours on end in the gym trying to run away from my problems. About this time last year I had mild success on a 500 cal a day diet (with weekend binges) and exercise for 2 hours every day. I lost about 10 lbs, only to gain every single one back (plus interest).

I am trying so hard to change things for good. To do things the right way, and to be a happier, healthier person because of it.

So here are my goals, hopefully ones that blogging will help me realize.

The big picture:
I want to treat myself and my body with the love and respect they deserve. I want to feel worthy of that respect. I want to be happy with myself, and to love myself, for who I am and what I look like. 

It's a pretty big goal. One that may take years to realize, but its one that I must realize to be happy in life. It is hard to quantify my goal, I can't really measure how far I have come towards achieving my goal. Instead I want to use my goal as a motivator to reach smaller more quantifiable goals.

I have already started to this goal by learning about proper nutrition and exercise. I have adopted an exercise and eating plan that will help me reach a healthier state of being. One step at a time.

Hate-Loss 2011

Posting this a day early since tomorrow is going to be a travel day and I might not get a chance to post it.

I am a week late to this challenge but I thought it was important for me to do this.

The basic idea is to use this challenge to restore pride in myself, and encourage myself to meet my goals in a positive way. Boosting my self worth and self esteem should help me feel worthy of achieving my goals to help motivate myself to reach them no matter the set backs.


I think that participating in this challenge is particularly important for me because in the past I have been guilty of using words like fat, ugly, sloppy, undeserving, lazy, and worthless to describe myself. These words usually came spilling out of my mouth while I stood in front of a mirror grabbing handfuls of my own fat. To think of these times right now makes me sad inside. How could I be so mean to myself? How did I possibly think I could feel good about myself when these are the words I used to describe myself?

Unsurprisingly I would spend the subsequent hours after a session like this either working out until I was exhausted or eating until I felt sick.

I can't think of any food or life style that is as unhealthy for you as self hate is.

This became glaringly apparent to me while watching the Biggest Loser Season 10 Finale this past December. One of the contestants said "You have to ask yourself 'Why do I want to lose weight?' Is it out of self-love or self-hate, because if its self-hate you will never be able to do it." And you know what, so far she is right. In the past I have been able to lose weight, but have never been able to keep it off, or stick to a diet plan.

I'm ready to fix that. I want to love myself, and I want to feel worthy of everything that I want in life. I want to lose weight because it is what I owe myself, and its a gift that only I can give to myself.

This week while looking in the mirror I used words such as smart, determined, loyal, and strong to describe myself. I chose these words because they are ones that I already believe, so they are not hard to hear, and are they ones not necessarily tied to my weight or appearance. When I tell myself these things that I truly believe they make me feel confident and worthwhile, a far cry from how I used to feel after my mirror sessions.

Since I find it difficult to accept compliments about my weight and appearance, my goal for next week is to work on that. I will try to use my words from this week to boost my self esteem and make myself feel confident and worthwhile next week.