Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Beginning

I can never remember a time in my life when I was thin, skinny, or even anything less then chubby. In my group of friends I was always the "fat friend" and it's funny but when I look at old photos I wasn't fatter then my friends, I had just accepted the role of "fat friend" and I think that acceptance has ruled my life, and body image up until this point. I am starting a journey, that I intend to tell through this blog, to challenge that acceptance. I hope to be able to peel away these layers of guilt and shame and finally set loose the person who I want to be.

My parents and siblings (with the exception of my rail thin sister) are always struggling with weight and it has always been easy to play victim. "I just simply can't be thin because look at my parents... it must be genetic." But it isn't, I can look back at pictures of them when they were thin and I can look back at pictures of me when I wasn't overweight. I have adopted poor eating habits and a poor attitude about food and my body image in general.

If you asked me what has finally brought me to this point. It was a zipper. A zipper on a simple pair of brown, knee high, flat heeled boots. They zipped up the side, a nice big brass zipper. They were simple boots, yet I had to have them. I just needed to put my feet into them, I had images of cute outfits I would wear and how sassy I would look in the boots. I sat down on the bench and asked the salesman to retrieve a pair in my size. I pulled the stuffing out of the toe of the boot and slipped my foot in. I grabbed the zipper and began to zip the boot up. With every tooth that grabbed it was like confirmation that these boots were for me, until the zipper stopped. The zipper made it half way up my leg and stopped like an unfinished sentence.

I can't really explain the feeling of disappointed I felt at that time. Not truly because the boots didn't fit, but because my Dad who was going to buy the boots for me as a gift, and the salesman who was helping me and all the other ladies around me trying on their own pairs of boots, were present to watch my zipper stop.

It is one thing to be uncomfortable with your body, but it is completely different to be uncomfortable about your body in front of other people, particularly people who have expectations of you. And that is why I am writing this blog - to get me out of my comfort zone to produce results I have previously been unable to produce.

First and foremost I am using this blog as a weight-loss tool. I will use it to track my progress and display it to the world, so that I can be held accountable for my own goals. Hopefully it will help me motivate myself, inspire people and find the me I have been trying to be.