Weigh In 1/31/11

January 31 2011 Weight: 167.6 lbs (-1) Body Fat: 33% (-2) Bust: 38" (-.5) Waist: 30.5" (-.5) Hips: 40.75" (-.75) Bicep: 12" (0) Thigh: 23.75" (-.25) Calf: 15" (-.5)

This morning I had a showdown with my scale. I was almost convinced that I had probably gained weight again and was 100% ready to freak out about how nothing works (I blame these feelings on the pair of pants that I busted through this weekend). After I recorded my numbers and compared them to last week I must say I am pleasantly surprised, and excited, that I have a loss in almost every place. I can't really see anything in my pictures, but if I compare this week to last week - I only lost 1 lb, so what do I expect to see?

Today marks the end of my first month on a planned diet and exercise plan. Here is a summary of my progress so far:

	January 1 2011	January 31 2011
Weight:	171.6 lbs	167.6 lbs	(-4)
Body Fat:	36 %	33%	(-3)
Bust:	38.5"	38"	(-.5)
Waist:	32"	30.5"	(-1.5)
Hips:	43"	40.75"	(-2.25)
Bicep:	12.75"	12"	(-.75)
Thigh:	24"	23.75"	(-.25)
Calf:	15.5"	15"	(-.5)

I am happy to see all green. I have made progress, small as it may be (1 lb per week). It's unfortunate that I only walked away 4 lbs lighter over a month when my very first week I lost 5 lbs. But it is still progress in the right direction, and more importantly I can definitely see progress in my pictures. Like the spill over on my hips and my tummy looking tighter. I also see some improved posture - that is always a plus. 

Well I have no reason to scold myself over this. It's a great result, even if its a lot slower progress then I expected. Onto bigger and better things in February!

Another One Bites the Dust

I feel like some times I take one step forward and fall two steps back. Like a couple of weeks ago I lost 5 lbs just to gain it all back the very next week, and the next week I only managed to lose 2.5 lbs. Thats 3 weeks and a net loss of + 2.5 lbs !!!

I don't mean to be a downer, but I just had another one of those moments and I just need to vent a bit. I have really thick thighs. In fact throughout school I used to get teased "Thunder Thighs." I always hated it, because it just drew attention to something I hated. Well fast forward a few years - I still have them dang "Thunder Thighs" and they just broke through yet another pair of pants.

I swear it's like it happens every couple of months or so. If you can see (I put a red patch behind it) the dang hole staring at me like an evil eye - right on my inner thigh. It was my favorite pair of jeans, the one that made me feel comfortable and sexy. Nothing makes me more angry then ruining my own cloths by doing nothing except wearing them.  Argh!

I know some people might wonder why I care so much to lose weight when I don't look particularly over weight. But it's because my weight effects my life, and my self-esteem negatively. And i'm sure that it hasn't helped my terribly painful knees any to be holding an extra 50 or so pounds.

Two days until my next weigh in, it will mark a month for me - I hope I can have lost at least 2.5 more lbs. It would really suck to have an entire month with no loss (and one less pair of pants that fit).

Hate-Loss 2011

Last official week of 2011 Hate-Loss challenge. Despite this being the last week of the challenge, it won't be my last week participating. While doing this challenge I forced myself to confront the things I try to hide in the closet and it helped me discover things about myself which got me to this point in life. I need to continue to peruse these things to help me down the road to self-discovery and self-recovery.

 I wanted this week to be a doozie, and in many ways it is.

I love shopping, I adore fashion and new clothes, shoes, purses and makeup. I love it all, I have a sizable shoe collection, an entire drawer in my dresser filled with makeup, and a walk in closet filled with clothes. Whenever I have some extra cash at the end of the month I inevitably spend it on a new piece to add to my collection. Fashion is something I really enjoy. In fact the event that sparked this blog and this journey happened in a shoe store! You can read about that story here: The Beginning.

When I was at my highest weight, like a year and a half ago, I really stopped caring about how I looked. I would wear mostly baggy and loose clothing because I thought it hid my weight. It didn't... sometimes when I found a particularly awesome item I would buy it and hide it in my closet and not wear it until I was "worthy" of it. Imagine not feeling worthy enough to wear a pair of shoes.

As I started losing weight, and went from 185 to around where I am now (I have been hovering around 170 for like a year now). As the weight came off I started to care more about how I looked. I tossed out a lot of my loose baggy clothes and dressed nicer. I started to break into my stash of "not worthy" clothes. So I guess I am starting to feel worthy! Last week I rewarded myself (for no real reason other then because I was feeling down) with a pair of over-the-knee boots that I bought for myself last Christmas. Amazingly I was able to find a pair that fit my legs - How could I pass that up?

My co-worker/friend always goes out of her way to comment on my outfits, asking where I got them or if they are newt. The other day while I was strutting around in my new boots she told me "I love those boots. You always wear such nice things, you are so fashionable. I want to be more like you." I was floored by her comment, why would she (a 5'1" 100lb young lady) want to be like me?

But I stepped back and thought about it and I am pretty fashionable. When I take the time to dress nicely, and care about how I look, it makes me feel pretty, beautiful, and cute and that makes me feel confident. And who doesn't want to be beautiful and confident?

I don't know why it is that I keep things like clothes and shoes from myself. Especially when I know that when I put on a nice pair of heels, or a cute outfit it makes me feel amazing. So I broke into my closet and pulled out a few items that I have been keeping from myself. I put together some awesome outfits and had my own little fashion show and I am worthy - of it all.

I might even go as far as to say I look sexy, sensational and maybe even wicked-hot. I need to go out for a ladies night or something so I can utilize these outfits. My arms are starting to look better too! I am however sad to report that the jean skirt in the last outfit is too big for me now! I was too scared to wear it and now it doesn't really fit - What a waste! Guess I know what I need to buy next.

I'm really glad I decided to participate in this challenge. It has really helped me open my eyes to the effects being positive can have on your entire perspective. It makes me excited for the future.

Weigh In 1/24/11

Ok, so week 3 weigh in. After a 4.6 lb gain last week I'm pretty desperate to see things move in the correct direction. My results are:

January 17 2011 Weight: 168.6 lbs (-2.4) Body Fat: 35% (0) Bust: 38.5" (0) Waist: 31" (-.75) Hips: 41.5" (-1.25) Bicep: 12" (0) Thigh: 24" (+.25) Calf: 15.5" (0)

Well firstly, a sigh of relief that things are moving in the right direction again. I am a bit disappointed that I only lost 2.4, I sort of expected to lose all 5 lbs again. But, it is important for me to celebrate a victory and that victory is that I was able to recover from a bad week. 2.4 lbs is nothing to scoff at. It is definitely a good number. Again I'm confused by the gain in my thigh, but that could just be a measuring issue.

Picture, again inconclusive perhaps a little less tummy on my profile? Boy would it be nice to see a difference - maybe next week.

I survived the week after a gain, and was even able to sneak in a birthday celebration for my sister (including cake *shhhhhh*). I am excited for next week, maybe I can take care of those last 2.5 and get back to where I was 2 weeks ago.

Breakfast of Champions

I haven't really talked at all about my nutrition or diet. The main reason for this is because I am not even sure that I am eating the right things for myself, so I don't want to give poor information to anyone else.

One thing I am sure of is ever since I started eating breakfast I have felt 100% better. There is something great about starting your morning off right. If you make a good choice for breakfast, chances are you will continue to make great choices throughout the day. Eating breakfast curbs my hunger until lunch so I don't snack as much, and even helps me eat less at lunch and dinner. I feel fueled for the morning and ready to tackle anything.

I normally aim to eat breakfast within 30 minutes of waking to kick start my metabolism. My favorite thing to eat in the morning:

3 slices of turkey bacon (60 cal), 1 whole egg and 1 egg white (120 cal), 1/2 small avocado (60 cal) ~ 240 cal

The bacon is pan fried with a splash of olive oil, and the egg is cooked in the oils left in the pan. I always drink a full glass of ice water with breakfast, I reserve my tea and caffeine for later in the day (usually at work).

It only takes me 15/20 minutes to prepare in the morning. A small price to pay for how great I feel after I eat it.

Hate-Loss 2011

Week two for me, and I must say this was a very difficult week. I set my weigh-ins up for Monday so that I could start my week off right, see some progress and be happy with myself. However this Monday, (the Monday following a 4 day vacation) I weighed in 5lbs heavier then the week previous. I still can't believe that, and counter productively it set the undertones for my whole week thus far.



Of course my first thoughts when I saw a +5 gain were that I was a failure, useless, lazy ect. But when I sat down and thought about what I did that week, I ate right and even found time to exercise while I was on vacation. It's too bad the scale didn't weigh in the same way I thought it should have, but when it comes down to it I made the right decisions even when people may not have been very supportive and that takes strength, determination and hard-work.

Despite my set back this past week I did notice that instead of saying "forget it" and giving up, or burying my failure in a pile of sweets, after weighing in, I was disappointed but, I walked right down stairs and made myself a healthy breakfast, and continued on my plan for the rest of the day. I had a bad week but I didn't ruin anything that I can't fix.

So I have decided this is my "fixer" week. A chance to fix things that were going wrong and refocus myself. I sat and thought about my goals then, I really attacked myself with compliments in the mirror to encourage myself to keep on trucking. I had a smile from ear to ear when I called myself cute, perky, and athletic. You should try it in the morning, it's amazing how great your mood can be when you start your day off with some encouragement.

And just to keep things positive, last week I talked about a bout I had where I tried to lose weight in a not-so-healthy way. Well here are some pictures I took of that time, it was more than a year ago now and it's not surprising that I look like that first picture again (possibly worse?).

But since I'm feeling strong, determined, hard-working, cute, perky, and athletic this week I am challenging myself to beat these results by doing it the right way, the healthy way. It's only 10 lbs but I like how my body I looked in the October pics. 10lbs in 41 days?  I lost 5lbs my first week, if that means anything it means I CAN DO IT so here we go.

BTW when I go for a jog to get myself to focus I normally pick a phrase and continue to chant it in my head. Normally I stick with "just keep moving" or a simple "1-2-3-4" but this week I tried phrases like "you are worth it"  and "you can do it" and let me tell you. I feel like I can do it because I know I am worth it.

Lets Talk About Goals

In light of recent events (see Weigh In 1/17/11) I think it is important for me to re-focus myself. I have been pretty vague about stating my goals during this blog. I know there are people out there with a lot more weight to lose then me, but when it comes down to it I just want to love myself again and I am willing to do whatever it is to get back to that point.

So heres a story:

I was fairly thin around my senior prom in high school, probably around 150lb looking at my pictures. Even at this weight I was fairly self conscious and was always considered chubby by my friends and family. "A minute on the lips and lifetime on the hips" my dad would taunt as I partook in dessert and sweets. My mom was also very keen to point out my weight whenever she noticed a change. "You are starting to look fat" she would warn. I don't harbor any anger or hate towards my parents for this, but when I sit back and think about it, it was cruel of them considering they never really took any interest in healthy eating, or teaching it to me.

People always talk about "the freshmen 15" or the iconic 15 lbs most people gain during college. I was a commuter student so I didn't participate in binge drinking or most of the poor eating habits of a college student away from home. Instead I adopted a life of a college student on the go, and I'm pretty sure my entire diet during college consisted of fast food. Not surprisingly over the course of 4 years my weight exploded from around 150lb to somewhere around 190lbs. I never really noticed I was gaining so horribly until I could no longer shop in the usual stores. A size 12 didn't fit me any more, I resolved myself to buying size 14 - 18 jeans in Macy's to avoid shopping in a plus size store which I clearly needed.

The pictures from my college graduation saddened me. The robes are notoriously unflattering ,but I couldn't even recognize myself in my pictures. Who was this girl? I resolved myself to losing weight by any means necessary. I couldn't go on being this person. I adopted unhealthy habits, which I am not proud of, to get the weight off. Starving myself, exercising for hours on end, binge eating and diet pills seemed like the only answer. The thing is that since everything was so extreme and unhealthy I was never able to stick with it.

I have been very focused the past year and a half on losing weight, to get back to at least my high school weight just to feel like myself again. The issue is I haven't been doing it the right way. I keep relapsing back into my old habits of starving myself for a week, and binging on food, or spending hours on end in the gym trying to run away from my problems. About this time last year I had mild success on a 500 cal a day diet (with weekend binges) and exercise for 2 hours every day. I lost about 10 lbs, only to gain every single one back (plus interest).

I am trying so hard to change things for good. To do things the right way, and to be a happier, healthier person because of it.

So here are my goals, hopefully ones that blogging will help me realize.

The big picture:
I want to treat myself and my body with the love and respect they deserve. I want to feel worthy of that respect. I want to be happy with myself, and to love myself, for who I am and what I look like. 

It's a pretty big goal. One that may take years to realize, but its one that I must realize to be happy in life. It is hard to quantify my goal, I can't really measure how far I have come towards achieving my goal. Instead I want to use my goal as a motivator to reach smaller more quantifiable goals.

I have already started to this goal by learning about proper nutrition and exercise. I have adopted an exercise and eating plan that will help me reach a healthier state of being. One step at a time.

Weigh In 1/17/11

Let me begin by saying Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun I was out of town visiting family. 4/7 days of the week. Now while I was on vacation I was very particular to follow my diet, I even went for a long 30 min jog during the trip.

Despite my best efforts this weekend my results are disheartening and confusing at best.

January 17 2011 Weight: 171.0 lbs (+4.6) Body Fat: 35% (0) Bust: 38.5" (+.5) Waist: 31.75" (-.25) Hips: 42.75" (-.25) Bicep: 12" (0) Thigh: 23.75" (-.25) Calf: 15.5" (+.25)

I can't understand a almost 5 lb gain. I expected to only lose maybe a pound, or perhaps stay about even. I followed my diet to the best of my ability. It's difficult when you aren't in charge of preparing your own food but I made good choices when I could. For instance I asked for baked chicken instead of fried chicken, I didn't eat bread, I ate lots of veggies and drank a lot of water. All I can think of is that I ate more cheese then usual, and I didn't eat on my usual eating schedule (perhaps causing over eating). These things should not have produced a 5 lb gain.

This makes me concerned that my success last week was solely water weight and after 4 days I have thrown my body completely off track. The pictures again are inconclusive. I really want to be able to see progress in my pictures, I think I see some smoothing of the folds on my back and the spill over on my hips seems smaller, but it could just be my posture. My measurements just simply confuse me, if I really gained back all my weight how did I lose in my waist hips and thighs? Why did I gain in my calf and bust?

It's hard to see this sort of thing, particularly when I tried really hard to prevent it. I want to stay positive without making excuses for myself. I guess it is a good sign that my body fat did not change. Perhaps I should re-measure and weigh in tomorrow  to confirm results. I am still hoping something went wrong during measuring and weighing. 

Heres to a better week, and putting this past one behind me.

Hate-Loss 2011

Posting this a day early since tomorrow is going to be a travel day and I might not get a chance to post it.

I am a week late to this challenge but I thought it was important for me to do this.

The basic idea is to use this challenge to restore pride in myself, and encourage myself to meet my goals in a positive way. Boosting my self worth and self esteem should help me feel worthy of achieving my goals to help motivate myself to reach them no matter the set backs.


I think that participating in this challenge is particularly important for me because in the past I have been guilty of using words like fat, ugly, sloppy, undeserving, lazy, and worthless to describe myself. These words usually came spilling out of my mouth while I stood in front of a mirror grabbing handfuls of my own fat. To think of these times right now makes me sad inside. How could I be so mean to myself? How did I possibly think I could feel good about myself when these are the words I used to describe myself?

Unsurprisingly I would spend the subsequent hours after a session like this either working out until I was exhausted or eating until I felt sick.

I can't think of any food or life style that is as unhealthy for you as self hate is.

This became glaringly apparent to me while watching the Biggest Loser Season 10 Finale this past December. One of the contestants said "You have to ask yourself 'Why do I want to lose weight?' Is it out of self-love or self-hate, because if its self-hate you will never be able to do it." And you know what, so far she is right. In the past I have been able to lose weight, but have never been able to keep it off, or stick to a diet plan.

I'm ready to fix that. I want to love myself, and I want to feel worthy of everything that I want in life. I want to lose weight because it is what I owe myself, and its a gift that only I can give to myself.

This week while looking in the mirror I used words such as smart, determined, loyal, and strong to describe myself. I chose these words because they are ones that I already believe, so they are not hard to hear, and are they ones not necessarily tied to my weight or appearance. When I tell myself these things that I truly believe they make me feel confident and worthwhile, a far cry from how I used to feel after my mirror sessions.

Since I find it difficult to accept compliments about my weight and appearance, my goal for next week is to work on that. I will try to use my words from this week to boost my self esteem and make myself feel confident and worthwhile next week.

Weigh In 1/10/11

It has been 7 days since my last weigh in. I have been pretty good about following my diet and drinking a lot of water. I could probably exercise more but I am really trying to make a life change this time and I want to make sure I go slowly so that it sticks. I can't tell you how many diets/exercise plans I have been on that I dove right into and then quit a month later because it got too hard.

I know weight loss isn't easy, and I don't expect it to be. Here are my results from the past 9 days:

January 10 2011 Weight: 166.4 lbs (-5.2) Body Fat: 35% (-1%) Bust: 38" (-.5") Waist: 32" (0) Hips: 43" (0) Bicep: 12" (-.75) Thigh: 24" (0) Calf: 15.25" (-.25)

My pants fit about the same and despite the scale telling me I lost 5 lbs I don't really see it in my pictures. I'm really glad that I took measurements because it reinforces the fact that I actually did lose. I really hope that this is real fat loss and not water weight, I know the scale I use to measure body fat isn't 100% accurate but I am going to keep positive on this and accept the accomplishment I have made.

I am going to try to use my results this week to motivate me to stay strong next week, because my boyfriend and I are going to visit his family in another state to celebrate the past holidays (I know its late but work and money just wouldn't let it be any sooner). Spending time in the airport and on the road and away from my stash of healthy foods worries me. I told his parents about my diet and hope they respect it and don't make meals or sweets for me that I will have to refuse. I hope I can find a way to stick with my diet while traveling, this is a huge test that I think may be coming too soon. Let's hope not.

To make things worse I sprained my ankle on Sunday during a soccer game. It will probably prevent me from doing much activity this week. Heres hoping I can stay strong and have a good week despite these obstacles.

Photo Food Log Experiment

Whenever I try to start a new weight loss regimen I always buy an empty journal to tuck into my purse so I can record everything I eat into it. I will normally record things diligently for the first few days, and then slowly start to stop using it. It is far to easy to "forget" those small noshes or "record them later".

It was suggested to me to instead take a photo of every thing that you eat. This serves several purposes:

1. Forces you to record your food BEFORE consumption. Meaning you must consciously decide to eat something, which can help eliminate all of those single mints, or small snacks you normally forget about.
2. Helps discourage poor eating. I mean who really wants to take a picture of a bag of chips.
3. Serves as a better visual aid of what you are putting into your body.

So between the dates of 12/28 and 1/1 I decided to take a photo food log of what I was eating. Most of the pictures represent a typical day. I tried my best to eat normally as I would if I were not on a diet so I could try to pinpoint specific things I need to work on. However, knowing I had to take a picture of whatever I ate did help discourage a lot of excess eating.

Here is what I ate:
*Note* Calories were calculated using www.Calorieking.com they are only estimates.

Day 1 : 2 cups of pomegranate seeds (289 cal), 5 homemade peanut butter balls (1200 cal), Burrito bowl from Qdoba (403 cal), diet peach snapple, diet pepsi, 2 cups whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce spinach and feta cheese(450 cal).

(~2342 calories)

Day 2: 2 cups pomegranate seeds (298 cal), 4 homemade peanut butter balls (960 cal), plate of chicken tabrizi (500 cal), 2 diet pepsi, 3 cups french fries w/ ketchup (600 cal) (the chicken tenders are not mine).

(~2358 calories)

Day 3: 1 medium pear (81 cal), 24 oz diet V* splash (30 cal), 1 piece beef jerky (82 cal), burrito bowl from Qdoba (420 cal), diet peach snapple, 2 berger cookies (280 cal), 1 bag nature valley nut clusters (420 cal), 1 diet cherry pepsi, 3 oz pork tenderloin (240 cal), 1 cup peas (131 cal), 1.5 cup brown rice (400 cal)

(~2084 calories)

Day 4: 1 medium pear (81 cal), 1 grande gingerbread frappuccino w/ whipped cream (300 cal), Indian food buffet: 2 cups rice (720 cal), 1.5 cups vegetable curry (137 cal), .5 cup palak paneer (65 cal), 2 pieces Naan (158), 1 cup fried onions (181 cal), 1 diet pepsi, 1 bag cream cookies (650 cal), 2.5 cups home made potatoe soup w/ cheese (400 cal), 2 oatmeal cream pies (340 cal)

(~3032 calories!)





Observations:

WOW! It's no dang wonder I can't lose weight.

I always think I am making healthy decisions, because I eat fruit for breakfast, only eat whole wheat pastas and breads, try my best to eat a lot of veggies. I guess its easy for me to forget about all of the calorie dense snacks I eat.

The peanut butter balls were a Christmas gift from my sister, I felt obligated to eat them. Maybe it wasn't such a great gift after all. I should try to say no to offered snacks (the jerky was an offered snack in the office).

I also notice a lot of my snacking happens in the car (pretty much every time I stop at a gas station I get a snack) that is definitely going to have to stop. I also make a stop or two to the snack machine in the cafeteria at work, and that is also going to have to stop.

I only drink 2 diet drinks a day but I think I will try to cut back on that too because the artificial sugars probably aren't very healthy. Also I rarely stop at Starbucks, so I don't feel very guilty about that indulgence but I could ask for skim milk and skip the whipped cream to eliminate some calories if I really crave one.

Also the dinner of french fries is not a normal meal. That night I went to a sporting event and since I hate hamburgers and hot dogs I didn't have much choice in the way of food. In this instance I should have left for the event earlier because as I was leaving (and after I consumed the most expensive french fries for dinner) I saw a few healthier places around the arena I could have eaten at.

So that's it. I found the first few steps to improving myself and my health.

Firstly, make a more conscious decision to eat healthier no matter the situation. (i.e. My office has a lot of pizza days. I should keep an emergency healthy meal in the cafeteria for those days.) Stop eating in my car, this will probably stop a lot of unconscious snacking while I fight traffic home. Cut down on sodas and diet drinks, and try to eat between 1500 cal and 2000 cal per day.

I can't see myself doing this for every mea1, since it seems like an odd habit. However, I would suggest that anyone who is having struggles with weight loss to do this for at least a week or two. It will probably really help you see your vices so that you can fix them.

Weigh In 1/1/11

So I know its almost a week past, but I took my initial measurements on Jan 1 to mark the beginning of my journey. Getting into the habit of blogging about my weight loss will be almost as hard as getting into the habit of eating right and exercising. My plan is to slowly ease into this new lifestyle so that I can stick with it. Food first, and once that is under control I will start a workout regiment. Not that I am not working out - I play soccer 2 nights a week and have been going for a 2-3 mile jog at least 3 nights a week. I will weigh in again on Monday, Jan 10 and see how I have been doing this first week.

So here it is, I know the bikini doesn't really fit me but its one I had in my closet from a time when I wasn't so fluffy that I would really love to wear again so what better milestone for me to meet then fitting in my old "skinny" clothing.

January 1 2011 Weight: 171.6 lbs Body Fat: 36% Bust: 38.5" Waist: 32" Hips: 43" Bicep: 12.75" Thigh: 24" Calf: 15.5"