In light of recent events (see Weigh In 1/17/11) I think it is important for me to re-focus myself. I have been pretty vague about stating my goals during this blog. I know there are people out there with a lot more weight to lose then me, but when it comes down to it I just want to love myself again and I am willing to do whatever it is to get back to that point.
So heres a story:
I was fairly thin around my senior prom in high school, probably around 150lb looking at my pictures. Even at this weight I was fairly self conscious and was always considered chubby by my friends and family. "A minute on the lips and lifetime on the hips" my dad would taunt as I partook in dessert and sweets. My mom was also very keen to point out my weight whenever she noticed a change. "You are starting to look fat" she would warn. I don't harbor any anger or hate towards my parents for this, but when I sit back and think about it, it was cruel of them considering they never really took any interest in healthy eating, or teaching it to me.
People always talk about "the freshmen 15" or the iconic 15 lbs most people gain during college. I was a commuter student so I didn't participate in binge drinking or most of the poor eating habits of a college student away from home. Instead I adopted a life of a college student on the go, and I'm pretty sure my entire diet during college consisted of fast food. Not surprisingly over the course of 4 years my weight exploded from around 150lb to somewhere around 190lbs. I never really noticed I was gaining so horribly until I could no longer shop in the usual stores. A size 12 didn't fit me any more, I resolved myself to buying size 14 - 18 jeans in Macy's to avoid shopping in a plus size store which I clearly needed.
The pictures from my college graduation saddened me. The robes are notoriously unflattering ,but I couldn't even recognize myself in my pictures. Who was this girl? I resolved myself to losing weight by any means necessary. I couldn't go on being this person. I adopted unhealthy habits, which I am not proud of, to get the weight off. Starving myself, exercising for hours on end, binge eating and diet pills seemed like the only answer. The thing is that since everything was so extreme and unhealthy I was never able to stick with it.
I have been very focused the past year and a half on losing weight, to get back to at least my high school weight just to feel like myself again. The issue is I haven't been doing it the right way. I keep relapsing back into my old habits of starving myself for a week, and binging on food, or spending hours on end in the gym trying to run away from my problems. About this time last year I had mild success on a 500 cal a day diet (with weekend binges) and exercise for 2 hours every day. I lost about 10 lbs, only to gain every single one back (plus interest).
I am trying so hard to change things for good. To do things the right way, and to be a happier, healthier person because of it.
So here are my goals, hopefully ones that blogging will help me realize.
The big picture:
I want to treat myself and my body with the love and respect they deserve. I want to feel worthy of that respect. I want to be happy with myself, and to love myself, for who I am and what I look like.
It's a pretty big goal. One that may take years to realize, but its one that I must realize to be happy in life. It is hard to quantify my goal, I can't really measure how far I have come towards achieving my goal. Instead I want to use my goal as a motivator to reach smaller more quantifiable goals.
I have already started to this goal by learning about proper nutrition and exercise. I have adopted an exercise and eating plan that will help me reach a healthier state of being. One step at a time.